Kickboxer (1989)

[Movie 293 / Day 311]

Way back in the early 90s, for one glorious stretch of summer holidays, my friends and I had a ritual of watching a Van Damme movie (either KICKBOXER, CYBORG or BLOODSPORT) in the morning, followed by trying to kick each other lots in the afternoon. We were helped by the fact that one of my friends’ older sister worked in the village video shop, which meant we could pick any big, clunky VHS box in the place and take it home for free. In my memory, the days were long, the sister hot, the movies awesome – and we were mini-ninjas. Of course, that’s not the reality. A fact hammered home when I rewatched KICKBOXER for the first time in years.

The movie revolves around the kind of ultra-basic plot that was utilised to showcase martial arts throughout the 80s. Van Damme plays Kurt Sloan, who is corner-man for his kickboxing brother, and US Champion, Eric. They are in Thailand for a tournament when, during a fight with Thai champ Tong Po, Eric breaks his back, paralysing him. Or rather, Tong Po breaks Eric’s back on purpose. That’s how he rolls, apparently. Anyway, as expected, Kurt vows to avenge his brother and in order to do so, starts training with a Yoda-like chap who lives in the forest with his dog and some eagles for company. Kurt’s training is vicious in the way only training in a martial-arts movie from the 1980s can be. It involves kicking a tree until it falls down; apparently that helps to harden the shins. It also involves having heavy items dropped onto your stomach from height. Oh, and being taken to a bar by your Yoda and having him get you drunk before starting a fight.

After a couple of montages and a few sequences involving sunset and silhouettes, Kurt is in the best shape of his life. And a fight with Tong Po is organised quick sharp. Unfortunately, Tong Po’s boss isn’t the kind of chap to play fair (a clue may have been in the way Tong Po broke Eric’s back); he kills Yoda’s dog and kidnaps Eric. Oh, and Tong Po rapes Kurt’s girlfriend. Also, just to add some interest to what would otherwise be a straightforward match, they are going to fight the ‘ancient way’. This involves winding rope around your hands, dipping them in resin and then in a chest full of broken bottles.

After this preparation, the fight begins – and as predicted, Kurt is being beaten fairly soundly by his nemesis while he won’t retaliate for fear of his brother being killed. Happily however, Yoda effects a rescue and brings Eric to the arena where, within about 30 seconds of coming through the door, Eric manages to turn the crowd from supporting Tong Po to chanting something that means “The White Warrior”.

This is between rounds. Kurt looks up and sees his brother. Then Kurt’s girlfriend tells him what Tong Po did. Kurt is angry. Very angry. He takes off the glass infused rope (presumably because he doesn’t want to cause too much damage to Tong Po and his beautiful face?) and hops back in the ring. Whereas before Tong Po easily blocked every kick and punch Kurt threw, his added-rage technique is enough for him to defeat Tong Po in under 2 minutes. A few smiles later and the credits roll under cover of a particularly splendid power balad.

It’s pretty bad, as most late-80s/early-90s Van Damme movies are, thanks to the lacklustre plot, dodgy acting and obvious outcome – but it’s also pretty awesome for the same reasons. It’s still fun to watch Van Damme giving a slow-mo roar as he kicks seven bells out of somebody from three camera angles. It’s still fun to watch that very-80s training sequence, which takes up most of the movie.

If you don’t have rosy memories of Van Damme movies from your formative years, you’ll likely think it’s just a terrible action movie. And you’d be right. But if you do have those rosy memories, you’ll still love them for all their many (MANY!) flaws.

I’m going to have to dig out a copy of CYBORG soon.

My Rating: (+2 if you have the right memories)
[ IMDB rating: 5.5 / 10 | IMDB link | Running time: 105 mins ]