[Movie 251 / Day 264]
In the late 80s, Jean-Claude Van Damme was making many ‘classic’ action movies. Devoid of decent scripts, dialogue or acting ability; they existed for one purpose: to showcase JCVD jumping around and kicking the crap out of a myriad of bad guys in hyper violent action sequences. There was nobody else that could hold a candle to him. Then in the early 90s, another man appeared out of nowhere, armed to the teeth and able to snap arms like twigs, swinging guns and sporting a nasty ponytail hair cut. That man was Steven Seagal. A large, imposing figure with the acting skills of a wooden spoon (easily the equal of JCVD) but, like a can of Lynx thrown on a fire, you just never knew when he was going to explode and maim many people. For a few glorious years, young teenage boys (like myself) were able to gorge themselves on cheap action violence with gems like JCVD’s Kickboxer and Seagal’s Under Seige.
Unfortunately, those glory years weren’t to last and as the two men aged, the scripts got worse, the budgets smaller and straight-to-video purgatory beckoned to both. Since then, they have made some truly atrocious movies. Way back in February, however, I watched JCVD and it’s excellent. So when I was browsing around Blockbuster this week and spotted a new Seagal movie, I figured I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and have a go.
In it, Seagal plays Ruslan Drachev, an ex-Russian mobster turned novelist. At the start of the movie, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife to invite him to his daughter’s wedding. He makes the flight back to his old town and before long is laying down the law Russian style. Turns out his daughter is marrying the son of another Russian mobster. Just before the bridal party is due to leave the house however, a couple of hitmen enter and do a bit of murder. Drachev returns to the house to discover his ex-wife is dead and his daughter is in critical condition. So, he turns back to the old ways and goes off a-slaughterin’.
Sounds pretty much like any other Seagal film of the last decade. And it is, unfortunately. There are several problems with it. First and foremost, Seagal looks like a potato. He’s still a large, imposing figure; but his gut is more imposing than other bits now. And sadly, that means that during the fight scenes, he looks a bit silly kicking his legs up like an arthritic dog. I have no doubt that he can still kick much arse, it’s just he looks ridiculous doing it. Secondly, his Russian accent is wildly variable. Sometimes it sounds OK, sometimes he seems to forget it. Most of the time, it comprises of lowering his voice and whispering. Thirdly, whoever did the continuity for the movie should be slapped. During one fight scene in particular, you can see the bad guy (knocked out seconds before) standing in the background awaiting another turn. That same fight scene contains several fast shots of Seagal’s hand, clutching a tiny knife, stabbing the bad guy to erupt geysers of blood – before cutting to a wide shot that shows him in a pristine track-suit with not a drop of the red stuff on him anywhere. There are lots of other problems with the movie, but the final one I’m going to mention is Seagal’s hair. Although he’s finally chopped off the nasty pony tail, his hair now seems to be knitted. There’s something very odd going on with it and it’s quite offputting during the close-ups.
So, overall, another weak effort from Mr Seagal. About time he started acting his age and realising he’s no longer 23 and limber.
My Rating: 
[ IMDB rating: 5.2 / 10 | IMDB link | Running time: 92 mins ]
